It has certainly been a while since I had felt any remote feeling to document where my life is going and where it is headed. The most resounding clamor for this change has been a new sense of urgency. I am both strongly inspired and captivated by the same things that have held my attention throughout most of my living years.
sensual qualities that guide me through each day: smells, textures, spaces, places, and more
how testosterone can be used for personal good, such as admiring the theme of a woman, as well as that of a man, to simply lead to wanting to know someone
though not proper English at all, including all the struggles to live healthily
anything to which I responded with the urge to fight back, the consequences of even considering resistance, and why benevolence may be a better option
Simply, I have started this personal catalog to start keeping tabs on myself. I want to trust myself again, just as I count on others to trust me. If I say I am going to run four days per week, I want to make it so. If I tell myself or someone else that I plan to spend more time with another, I want to make it so. If I hope to fulfill aspirations that stall because I am afraid of how left-of-center I will be perceived, I want to make it so. Life is short, indeed.
I recall a conversation I had with Erica, a friend with whom I had spent her last night in town, before she left for a school in north central Ohio. We picked flowers from people’s front yards, during the overnight. I appeared uncomfortable with that. In addition, I was preoccupied with getting home before night became morning. I did not want to worry Pam, but I also was not doing anything that would have put me in danger. Lying in the grass of a public park after hours–that was another idea that made me tense (I neither wanted to get wet from the dew nor incurred several mosquito bites). I also refused her plead to smoke a cigarette with her.
On one side of things, I felt like I knew who I was, and I certainly was not going to compromise my principles. On the other hand, I felt like I had a lacking sense of adventure, which she actually verbalized. I am not saying she was entirely correct in her assessment. I followed through with several of those activities, but only after much resistance. But it caused me to question the wall I put in front of me so many times: that I feel so certain of who I am that I will not try the plethora of activities that others suggest. Additionally, I have resisted any serious reading or writing for months, simply because I felt guilty for not having finished my capstone paper for my undergraduate degree. I realized that, because I was facing adversity, I was also making myself unhappy and living my life less fully.
Though I was playing life by my own rules, I have been cheating myself. It is time to celebrate my life, and give myself a reason to rejoice.